Love Up to the Stars!
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Sick to my stomach
I feel so sick. It's 5:30 p.m. On Thursday and I haven't slept since Tuesday night. I tossed and turned all last night. I feel so sick. What do you do if you feel you've lost your family? Or at least the most closest family to you? What do you do if you thought you knew someone, looked up to them, they taught you the morals you hold to and then they go around and become someone else entirely? What do you do when you've held someone up on a pedestal and they come crashing down? When you feel everything you thought they were for 20 plus years is a lie? What do you do when you feel you've lost it all?

I guess you hold on to the only thing you have, if you're lucky to have it: God. He's it. I was in a phase in my life where all my friends have moved away, I haven't developed any close relationships with people nearby, and all I pretty much had was the person who's become someone else entirely. And now I feel beyond sad. It's one thing to not have friends to go out with, and it's something else to lose your family too. I just feel so torn apart. I feel so alone. I know God's with me, but right now I feel so sick to my stomach that I can't seem to reach out to Him or get a hold of myself. I don't know how I made it through work. I feel terrible. I thought things were bad before, but now it's just worse than I could have ever imagined in all my life.

Jesus must be coming back soon, because EVERYONE is falling away. The Bible says that Christians will fall away from the faith, and they seem to be dropping like flies. It's so sad. The society in which we live, when Christians mix their morals and standards with those that reflect a very messed up society.........it's awful. I feel heartbroken. I guess this is somewhat like what God would feel. Only I feel angry too? I can't believe this makes me feel this angry. I guess I'm angry at the choices being made by someone I looked up to. And I'm angry at the work that satan is up to.

I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. But I mean I know this is right and this is wrong, I don't try to say that this wrong thing is right. That's the worst! I don't want to judge, I'm just so disappointed. It's heartbreaking to watch. I'm so torn. I feel all alone right now in my dorm room. I feel like just trying to cry myself to sleep. Even though it's not even 6 p.m. I just feel so sick.......

So sad....

So broken...

I guess I'll try to do the one thing that always makes me feel better, although at this moment I totally don't feel like it: listen to praise and worship music.
sent to the stars at 5:35 PM
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